Side Effects

It's hard for me to believe I've only been on medication 4 days, I feel like it's been weeks. I wish I could say it felt that way because I was feeling so great, unfortunately that's not the case. The stabbing headache (since day 1), upset tummy, and the 5 pounds I've picked up along the way are a bit of a damper for me. I keep telling myself I just need to give it time to let kick in and it'll get better, I just hope I'm not lying to myself. Three days of mania peaked last night and today I am further away from "stable" than I've been in a long time. I have been in zombie mode all day and just can't seem to get through even the simplest of tasks. I forgot to eat today because I didn't get hungry, for 3 days I felt like I was starving and no matter what I ate I couldn't satisfy it. Today, I forgot to eat...What gives? It's going to be a long ride.

My mom comes in on Saturday, she'll be here for 5 weeks. I'm thankful to have her here to help out and take care of Ty, I worry though, that it will push me to a place I don't want to go. I have struggled with our relationship for a long time. I don't remember a time that I was a priority, she's a good mom so I know it existed, but for as long as I can remember I've never felt important enough to listen to if anyone else had anything to say. I've learned not to say anything meaningful because it hurts less to get cut off or ignored completely if I wasn't saying something worthwhile in the first place. Occasionally though, I just need someone to listen and I call on her, I let my guard down and give it a shot, sure that somehow this time is going to be different and she's going to care enough to just listen and not make it about her. I'm always disappointed by the results. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I know, I know, if only these crazy pills (sorry Morgan, I mean "mood enhancers") would kick me into gear and help get me back to being ME!

Stepping into tomorrow

It's been almost a month since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I realize that I have been grieving and have been working to move forward and learn to live again. After a few sessions with a psychotherapist (that is absolutely AMAZING!!!) I have started to feel like I'm coming to terms with my diagnosis and it's almost a relief. For so long I have felt lost in myself, never knowing what to expect, the constant swings, clinging to "normal" as if my life depended on it and slowly drowning when it slipped through my fingers. Today was the day I met with the Psychiatrist and began my first round of meds. I am terrified, there are so many unknowns, so many potential side affects. What if they don't work? What if they make it worse? I just took my first pill, two a day until they start working (or don't) and I'm on the road to finding myself again. Cheers to stepping into tomorrow, now if only I could go to sleep.

When your life travels a million miles a minute it's easy to miss the important stuff.