Two steps forward...

After a month of the awful headache and various other miseries my doc and I decided I needed to be on a different medication. It was such a blessing having my mom here, I was worried as we have a history of butting heads but it was amazing. She took care of the things that I tend to stress about and I was able to relax and really focus on myself and thinking about real priorities. I learned a lot about what I can really accomplish without burning myself out. My 16 year old sister and her friend came for a few weeks and that was hard because with so many people in the house I didn't really have any quiet reflection time. I really enjoyed having her here though, I feel like I've missed out on so much of her life being away and I love any time I get to spend with her. At the end of their visit my friend Morgan arrived, it was so amazing to see him. After taking my Mom and family to the airport things started to go downhill. The nanny I had hired decided at the last minute she couldn't watch Ty, so I was left scrambling to find someone with 4 days before I had to go back to work. I didn't want my mom to leave, I didn't know what I was going to do for a nanny, I started to fall apart and couldn't stop the downward spiral. I started to push Morgan away, withdraw, and pretty much just made things miserable. I wanted nothing more than to just curl up in his arms yet I couldn't hardly look at him. I wanted to tell him what was happening to me but I just froze. I dropped him back off at the ship last night and completely fell apart, I felt like the bottom dropped out, I was so upset that I hadn't talked to him at all while he was here. I feel like I'm working backwards and it's horrible. I know reasonably that I'm not, I know that I'm just in a down swing, I know that I need to focus on being positive and pulling myself back out but I can't. I feel so overwhelmed, my house is empty, everything is my responsibility again and I just can't face any of it. I made some progress today and at least sent Morgan an e-mail that explained things a little and opened up the door for conversation when he comes back. I am really scared, I feel like the down swings are worse than before, I just want to be more even, I'm exhausted from crying and just falling apart. I just keep telling myself that it'll get better and I just hope that I'm not foolishly doing so. One minute, one hour, one day, I will be strong, I will make it through this.