Two steps forward...

After a month of the awful headache and various other miseries my doc and I decided I needed to be on a different medication. It was such a blessing having my mom here, I was worried as we have a history of butting heads but it was amazing. She took care of the things that I tend to stress about and I was able to relax and really focus on myself and thinking about real priorities. I learned a lot about what I can really accomplish without burning myself out. My 16 year old sister and her friend came for a few weeks and that was hard because with so many people in the house I didn't really have any quiet reflection time. I really enjoyed having her here though, I feel like I've missed out on so much of her life being away and I love any time I get to spend with her. At the end of their visit my friend Morgan arrived, it was so amazing to see him. After taking my Mom and family to the airport things started to go downhill. The nanny I had hired decided at the last minute she couldn't watch Ty, so I was left scrambling to find someone with 4 days before I had to go back to work. I didn't want my mom to leave, I didn't know what I was going to do for a nanny, I started to fall apart and couldn't stop the downward spiral. I started to push Morgan away, withdraw, and pretty much just made things miserable. I wanted nothing more than to just curl up in his arms yet I couldn't hardly look at him. I wanted to tell him what was happening to me but I just froze. I dropped him back off at the ship last night and completely fell apart, I felt like the bottom dropped out, I was so upset that I hadn't talked to him at all while he was here. I feel like I'm working backwards and it's horrible. I know reasonably that I'm not, I know that I'm just in a down swing, I know that I need to focus on being positive and pulling myself back out but I can't. I feel so overwhelmed, my house is empty, everything is my responsibility again and I just can't face any of it. I made some progress today and at least sent Morgan an e-mail that explained things a little and opened up the door for conversation when he comes back. I am really scared, I feel like the down swings are worse than before, I just want to be more even, I'm exhausted from crying and just falling apart. I just keep telling myself that it'll get better and I just hope that I'm not foolishly doing so. One minute, one hour, one day, I will be strong, I will make it through this.

Side Effects

It's hard for me to believe I've only been on medication 4 days, I feel like it's been weeks. I wish I could say it felt that way because I was feeling so great, unfortunately that's not the case. The stabbing headache (since day 1), upset tummy, and the 5 pounds I've picked up along the way are a bit of a damper for me. I keep telling myself I just need to give it time to let kick in and it'll get better, I just hope I'm not lying to myself. Three days of mania peaked last night and today I am further away from "stable" than I've been in a long time. I have been in zombie mode all day and just can't seem to get through even the simplest of tasks. I forgot to eat today because I didn't get hungry, for 3 days I felt like I was starving and no matter what I ate I couldn't satisfy it. Today, I forgot to eat...What gives? It's going to be a long ride.

My mom comes in on Saturday, she'll be here for 5 weeks. I'm thankful to have her here to help out and take care of Ty, I worry though, that it will push me to a place I don't want to go. I have struggled with our relationship for a long time. I don't remember a time that I was a priority, she's a good mom so I know it existed, but for as long as I can remember I've never felt important enough to listen to if anyone else had anything to say. I've learned not to say anything meaningful because it hurts less to get cut off or ignored completely if I wasn't saying something worthwhile in the first place. Occasionally though, I just need someone to listen and I call on her, I let my guard down and give it a shot, sure that somehow this time is going to be different and she's going to care enough to just listen and not make it about her. I'm always disappointed by the results. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I know, I know, if only these crazy pills (sorry Morgan, I mean "mood enhancers") would kick me into gear and help get me back to being ME!

Stepping into tomorrow

It's been almost a month since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I realize that I have been grieving and have been working to move forward and learn to live again. After a few sessions with a psychotherapist (that is absolutely AMAZING!!!) I have started to feel like I'm coming to terms with my diagnosis and it's almost a relief. For so long I have felt lost in myself, never knowing what to expect, the constant swings, clinging to "normal" as if my life depended on it and slowly drowning when it slipped through my fingers. Today was the day I met with the Psychiatrist and began my first round of meds. I am terrified, there are so many unknowns, so many potential side affects. What if they don't work? What if they make it worse? I just took my first pill, two a day until they start working (or don't) and I'm on the road to finding myself again. Cheers to stepping into tomorrow, now if only I could go to sleep.

When your life travels a million miles a minute it's easy to miss the important stuff.